It’s Happening Again, I Need a Break
This isn’t the post I wanted to be posting today, this week, this month, this year, this millennium and I think you get the gist, I didn’t wanna post this.
I’ve been having a tough time recently, most of you know I moved and that the move took me away from my safe space, “my home”. When I say home I don’t mean the brick building I lived in because that was a shitshow all in itself, albeit I was grateful to have a roof over my head.
I’m very, very homesick. I can’t just go out in the car and drive 15 minutes down the road to my happy place by the sea and it’s becoming more and more apparent that I really need that.
Uni has been HELL, just not enjoying the first year, don’t feel challenged, don’t feel I’ve learned anything and it’s just been sucky. The only thing that’s positive to come from it is the people I have met, my sorrelina Lauren, my Lucifer, gorgeous Lori and the DD102 WhatsApp gang.
Then there’s the job sich because I moved I had to leave my job which I adored, I’ve looked for jobs where I am now and there’s nothing. I’m either too qualified or not qualified enough for the positions. This has obviously put a financial strain on me so that’s been a whole other worry.
I’m writing a novel, you may have seen the email from the publisher. Amazing, delighted, so excited for the book to come out. However, there’s a cost when it’s your first book, there’s no cash advance and your first payment isn’t for a full year after the book has been released. Yes, it’s a long time, but it is what it is. So, there’s more I need to save for.
I don’t talk about my relationships online, and I’m not about to start, but all I’ll say is that isn’t all unicorns and cupcakes, either.
Basically, I need a break. My mental health has taken an absolutely humongous dip and I’m genuinely worried about the thoughts I’m having. Couple that with just the shit I see online day in day out, I am just not coping very well and I’m feeling very isolated.
None of my friends are near me, yes they are on the other end of the phone, but they have lives, they have their own problems and I don’t want to be that negative person dragging down the mood. Same goes for my family, I’m missing my dad A LOT, I’m missing my granda even more and I think about him every single day and with the birth of some amazing wee babies lately (I’m not talking about Harry and Meghan, I mean my friends’ babies) I’m pining for my lost baby, and getting very down about the fact I’m 32 and not a mum.
There are also still quite a few toxic people in my life that I really just need to get rid of, but I’m feeling too low to at the moment so I’m taking on their shit and problems on top of my own.
Then there is the imposter syndrome. I feel nothing I achieved matters, my blog is shit, my life is shit, everything is SHIT. For those of you that don’t know what imposter syndrome is, here is a link to a Psychology Today article that’s excellent.
To top it off, my lovely body dysmorphia is back and she is raging. I hate everything about my body, my face, my hair and even my frigging hands. I’m just in a very negative space right now and I need to figure a way out or a way to breathe.
I really need to focus on getting some money together, the plan is to move back to my home but I don’t have a spare £2,500 lying around, unfortunately. It’s that expensive because I need two months rent in advance, enough to organise a way to get my stuff from where I am to home and enough to live off until I can hopefully get my old job back.
I’m sorry this is negative, this means yes, unfortunately, the blog may take a backseat. I might just schedule old posts from Northern Irish Girl Online, or I might go silent for a while. I really don’t know right now, I just know that I need to take serious steps to stop my PTSD from taking me over again. I was back in a healthy state of mind, I was my very cheerful and happy self again and I was delighted after two years of absolute HELL. So, I’m devastated to be back here.
I’m sorry, whether it’s the imposter syndrome or whether it’s guilt, I feel I’ve let you all down. This isn’t a pity party post, this isn’t a go fund me post, it’s an explanation on why I’ve disappeared from social media lately and why I may not be around for a while.
Hopefully, I’ll be back soon.
Please take care of yourselves.