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Movie Review Series: Eli Roth's Clown (2nd March 2015)

Movie Review Series: Eli Roth’s Clown

January 6, 2019justabelfastgirl

The below post contains spoilers and a synopsis on the movie. If you have this movie on your watchlist or hate spoilers I’d suggest you avoid this. 


Plot

Eli Roth’s film Clown was released on the 2nd March 2015 in the U.K. It’s supposedly a horror movie based on a demonised clown suit. The suit retails the soul of the demon, and unsuspecting father and realtor Kent McCoy decides to put it on when his own child’s party clown fails to show up to his birthday party.

The Information You Should Know Before the Review

This movie contains blood, gore, murder, and other body matter associated with murdered individual’s. There are also sexual references, references and scenes of suicide, as well as I,  mentioned previously, the murder of a dog. However, no animals were harmed in the making of this movie (I, of course, checked). 

There is also scenes of violence against children, women and other individual’s. With this said if any of this disturbs you in any way then I highly suggest avoiding this movie and probably this review, as I do go into a bit of detail. Hopefully, I have covered everything, if not I apologise in advance but it is a horror movie so this stuff is expected. 

This review is NSFW given that the trailer is contained with it in, there are some swear words, discussion on murder and other inappropriate topics for the workplace. I also suggest that you refrain from letting your children watch the movie before you’ve seen it yourself (if you decide to watch it).

What Happens?

Kent finds the suit in a house he is trying to sell and wears it to his kid’s party. Nothing happens at first, a bit of a slow burner this one, but after the party and putting his child to bed Kent falls asleep on his sofa. The next morning, he wakes up still in the suit, is running late so washes his face and takes his child to school.

Kent then heads to work in the empty house where he found the costume. He’s met by three of his workers who ask him who he is and why he’s wearing a clown suit. He tells them it wouldn’t come off and that his name is Kent, the realtor.

Does my Butt Look Big in This?

He then heads to the bathroom and proceeds to try and take off the suit, as well as the wig and rubber nose that goes with it, but all is firmly stuck. Finding a Stanley knife in the drawer he tries to cut the suit off at the wrist but ends up slitting his own wrist in the process.

Undeterred he then proceeds to take a jackknife which he ends up breaking. With no luck he goes about his day, returning home to his wife later in the evening still wearing the suit. With her help he manages to get the nose off, taking some of his skin with it. The family dog then eats the rubber nose covered in blood.

Still not able to get the suit off there is a bit of toing and froing, cue the following day, Kent ransacks the kitchen for food and devours most of it, but still hungry leaves his wife a note and goes in search of some way to get the suit off.

He finds the brother of the previous owner of the house had owned a costume shop and goes to his office to steal paperwork in order to call him boking on his secretary in the process. He finds the details and calls Karlsson, Karlsson asks who he is and where his brother is.

Kent explains he is the realtor and that the owner of the house, Dr Karlsson had passed away six months ago. He explains to Karlsson the predicament he is in. Karlsson suggests that he come visit him and he’ll help get the suit off.

Tea, Father? Ack, Go on, Go on, Go on…

Kent visits the brother Mr Karlsson, who shows him a book and tells him that it isn’t a suit, but the skin and hair of the demon, the Cloyne itself. He tells the story of Cloyne, the demon from Iceland and how he lured children to the mountains where he lived. He took five children in five months. One for every month of winter. He tells Kent the suit was sent to him from Iceland, all the other parts of the delivery were ruined, but the “suit” was perfect.

He then drugs Kent’s tea that he gave Kent with biscuits, and Kent falls unconscious. Later waking up to find himself strapped to a table with Mr Karlsson in disbelief that the drugs didn’t keep him asleep for longer. Mr Karlsson tries to chop Kent’s head off stating it’s the only way to kill the demon.

Kent manages to escape, kidnaps Mr Karlsson and returns home to his wife. Bursting through the door claiming he had a maniac in his car and that the maniac thinks he’s a demon. He shows his wife the book and asks her to come with him to the police station as they won’t believe him considering he’s dressed in a clown suit. He turns to find two friends and his father-in-law looking at him in disbelief and asking why he can’t just take the suit off.

Kent asks his wife to meet him at the station, proceeds to leave and his wife, friends and father-in-law follow him. Mr Karlsson is seen in the back of Kent’s car. Kent’s friend tries to rip the suit off, but Kent somehow manages to break his arm. He apologies and gets in the car, begging his wife to follow him.

Dem Nails, Though…

On the way to the station Kent ends up in a car accident after Mr Karlsson tries to choke him whilst driving, Kent’s seen turning slowly into the demon, his feet break through the shoes he is wearing, his fingers are also becoming more claw-like with nails that would put even the craziest bitch to shame.

Kent escapes again, he tries to get Karlsson out of the vehicle, someone appears after if they’re okay, Kent flees the scene. He makes his way to a motel room and a little boy approaches him asking if he’s a clown, this causes Kent’s stomach to grumble uncontrollably. He tells the little boy to go away, and he does but returns later to knock on the door. The demon ends up taking over and kills the child, eating him.

Kent escapes again and there is an incident in the bathroom where kids come in for a pee, he falls off the toilet seat and a child is seen looking down and screaming at him from the top of the other stall.

He escapes again, he ends up in some woods. By this time, it’s dark, again and there are what looks like boy scouts on a camping trip. One kid is told to go clean up his mess before bed, Kent sees him, there’s a scuffle and he bites the kids finger off, but the kid escapes and so does Kent.

I’m in Chains

He wakes up the next morning covered by leaves, this is where I started to tune out. To be honest, I tuned out about two paragraphs ago so some of the victims may be in the wrong order as it was just that boring.

Kent returns to his wife who vows to help him, his wife had been to the school to tell the principal that Kent wasn’t to pick up their son, Jack and that it would be her or a friend collecting Jack from school. If her husband appeared her son was to tell him to contact his mom (Kent’s wife).

Kent ends up chained up in a room/garage of the house, Meg hands him a lock and he secures it. Meg leaves and Kent spits up blood and teeth on the floor. Meg is in the kitchen, she goes through the book and discovers lots of photographs of Dr Karlsson who opened a cancer hospital for children and his brother, who is wearing the suit. There were circled passages claiming five children, drawings of children being fed to Cloyne.

This is the official trailer if you fancy a watch. All rights to this video belong to Youtube.

Shut up, Meg!

She goes to the Karlsson house, finds a chair with straps, much like the electric chairs on death row, she pushes the chair down and it clicks into place. She then finds a video camera which has been covered by a sheet. She turns it on, watches some of the footage and jumps back when she sees Dr Karlsson come on screen. She rewinds it, then does something else, stops and plays it and Cloyne is strapped to the chair roaring. Dr Karlsson comes on screen with a child in a wheelchair, the child screams as it’s fed to Cloyne then Meg steps back from the footage.

Meg goes looking for Mr Karlsson after going through the book and house. She speaks to Mr Karlsson and demands to know how he got the suit off, Mr Karlsson can’t speak as his jaw is wired shut from the car accident. He writes a few notes down, asking where he is, telling her not to trust her husband, but doesn’t help her at all. She starts yelling at him to tell her how he got the suit off, but he keeps pointing at the sentence telling her not to trust her husband. She leaves after a nurse tells her she shouldn’t be there, Mr Karlsson screams somewhat internally given that his jaw is wired shut.

Unbeknownst to her, Jack ran away from school after biting his bully, Colton, and has returned home to find his dad chained up. She gets the call from school to tell her Jack is gone and returns home to find him there, the usual motherly, “don’t do that, again!” Lecture happens, she asks where Kent is, and her son doesn’t answer. The dog is infected by this point and his stomach is making the same gurgling noises as Kent’s.

Woof, Woof, I’m Possessed

I went for a pee and left the movie playing as Kent entered Colton’s house, Colton is swearing at a poor looking version of COD online. When I came back it was evening time and the dog had become rabid at this point. Jack ran upstairs, leaving his mom to question the dog on what was wrong. She asks the dog what happened to him, what is wrong with this face and what he’s doing as if the dog is going to answer her… Just as the dog jumps to attack her, Mr Karlsson cuts it’s head off which she catches in her hands, screaming.

doggytilt.gif
Say whattt?

She screams for Mr Karlsson to leave, he tells her he wants to help her find her husband and stop the demon. He asks her repeatedly where her husband is, she tells him she doesn’t know. Jack then tells them that he has gone to the bully’s house. They go to where Kent was tied up with chains and Karlsson finds a finger, he claims it’s the finger of a child. There is also some of Kent’s teeth covered in blood, spat out on the floor.

She ends up allowing Mr Karlsson to help, she packs her son’s bag, covers the body of the poor wee dog and takes Jack to his grandfather’s (her dad). Her dad tries to get her to speak to him, not knowing Mr Karlsson is hiding in the back, but she speeds off saying she can’t talk about it right now. Karlsson tells her he doesn’t remember how he got out of the suit, he remembers waking up and the suit being off. He states at one point that Cloyne needs five children for each month of winter and tells Meg the story of the demon Cloyne that he’d previously told Kent.

This is Why You Shouldn’t Bully People

They turn up at Colton’s house, it’s now dark and parks in front of Colton’s bike which has been tossed into the drive by the child upon his return home from school. They enter the dark home (where are the parents? That’s what I wanna know!) The computer game is paused, there is what looks to me like a strawberry milkshake on the French doors. Mr Karlsson goes to another part of the home, Meg finds the bottom half of Colton on the living room floor. As she gags, Karlsson appears from nowhere and states that Kent will have digested the child by now, yummmmy.

Karlsson asks where her husband would go at 7 pm on a Thursday night. Again, where the hell is Colton’s parents?! Meg releases exactly where a demon eating child would go on a Thursday night. The scene goes to a soft play centre with a tonne of kids running around, it then skips back to Meg and Karlsson turning up outside. Meg tells Karlsson he can’t go in there as he looks like an escaped mental patient. (coming from the one married to a demon clown, rude and judgemental, Meg! Rude and judgemental!)

Tickle my Balls

Meg goes into the soft play herself, she searches through the place, there is an African American boy celebrating his birthday, Meg watches him blow out the candles. The scene then skips to kids in the soft play balls, there are a little girl and a boy throwing balls at another unseen ball outside the ball pit, the boy celebrating his birthday slides down a slide and lands in the ball pit. He exclaims that someone has peed in the ball pit and climbs out. He’s shown to have blood on his white sock, the other kids are gone. The scene skips back to Meg who is still searching for Kent in the play area.

The unseen little boy from the previous scene at the ball pit is shown calling out for his little brother, Greg. He tells his mom said it was time to go. He climbs one of the slide tunnels and sees his brother, calling out to him before following him. He finds his brother being held by Kent/Cloyne, there is a struggle and Greg escapes, but his brother is caught.

He tells Greg to run, Greg looks back before sliding down the slide and out the other end. He heads to his mum and shouts that there is a clown “up there” pointing to one of the slides. The next thing is a gush of blood coming down the tunnel of the slide and chaos ensues.

Meg asks a worker what is going on as alarm bells sounds, the worker tells her there is a crazy clown trying to take kids and to get her kid and go. Meg runs to her car to find Karlsson has escaped and is now also in the play area, searching for Cloyne. Both Meg and Karlsson end up finding Cloyne in a darkened area that is lit up with that light up PVC paint most commonly used in raves. (does that still happen nowadays, or am I showing my age?)

There is a fight between the three, Kent is now almost fully Cloyne, his voice almost turned and his features pretty much complete. Meg begs for her husband back, claiming there must be another way than cutting off the head of the demon. Cloyne tells her to bring him one more child and she can have her husband back. Meg cries saying she can’t do that, Cloyne then threatens to get Jack. Kent comes through begging her to help him, Meg cries more. Karlsson then tries and fails to trap Cloyne who ends up harming him and taking off, telling Meg in a mixture of Cloyne and Kent’s voices that he’ll meet her at their spot, “babe”.

Where are the God Damn Parents?

The scene cuts to Meg outside the building looking at the children, she comes up behind a young child, seemingly considering taking him, before his mother comes running up and holding him tightly. She asks if Meg can’t find her child, Meg claims her child is safe and turns and heads to her car. A teenage girl runs up to her car as Meg is preparing to leave, saying she knows her from the dentist Meg works at, she tells Meg she thinks she is really kind and asks Meg to take her home as she is scared and has no idea where her own mother is (the parent’s in this film are horrendous for leaving their kids alone).

Meg relents as the child takes it upon herself to climb in (stranger danger?) telling her she knows Meg is kind and begging Meg to take her home. Meg then proceeds to drive, the child still saying how kind Meg is (I found this super weird), Meg said she knows the girl’s street and will let the girl know when they arrive, but they should be able to find her house no problem.

The scene cuts to them arriving in some dark wooded area, which is obviously Kent and Meg’s little hook-up spot. She wakes the girl up, girl gets out, Meg locks door, kid proceeds to tell Meg in a panicked voice this isn’t her street (no shit Sherlock, what kid gets into a strangers car and expects it to go well?) Meg tells her she’s sorry, then stops speaking as the kid screams to let her in, that there is someone out there, that she’s scared, and you get the gist. Meg finally relents and unlocks the door, kid opens it saying someone is out there, Meg tries to grip her in as the kid screams, then a cop car shows up and the kid takes off… Clearly, Cloyne isn’t there, the cop tells Meg to stay put and takes off after the child.

Our Little Secret

Meg doesn’t stay put, realising that Cloyne has gone after Jack. She tries calling her dad, he doesn’t answer so she leaves a voicemail telling him to call her and tell her where he and Jack are. The scene cuts to the grandad parking and telling Jack they’re going to speak to Jack’s dad. They enter the house and grandad sees the dead dog. The scene cuts again to Meg who realising her dad is not home, heads to her own home.

She finds her dad causally doing dishes as she enters. She asks where Jack is, and her dad tells her he’s in his room. Dad tells her he doesn’t know what Kent has done, but whatever it is they can fix it, that Meg is his little girl. Meg seemingly isn’t sure what he means, dad proceeds to tell her he found the blood and that he’ll help cover it up.

Next thing Cloyne appears and breaks grandad’s neck whilst seemingly ripping off his bottom jaw. Kent is fully transformed into Cloyne, demon eyes, slits and white skin to boot. Meg and Cloyne fight, he makes it clear he’s here for Jack.

Chaos Ensues

Meg had at some point previously told Kent she was pregnant, I think it was when he was chained up. Cloyne catches Meg and digs his claws into her stomach as she screams at Jack to run, Cloyne goes after Jack. Meg and Cloyne fight in the garage, Jack is there.

Meg manages to catch Cloyne with the disregarded chains, she ties them, so they’ll choke him. He struggles against them and they slowly start to decapitate him. She runs to Jack and hugs him as Cloyne struggles against the chains, they’re halfway through the neck at this point.

CUT!

Meg ends up finding a large sledgehammer and smacks what is left of Cloyne’s neck decapitating him. She hugs Jack, thinking it’s over, but Cloyne’s spinal cord is still attached to his neck (at least I think they meant for it to be a spinal cord).

Cloyne grabs Jack by the foot and he screams, as he struggles Meg runs and picks up Cloyne’s head and snaps it from his body. The scene ends with her crying telling Jack it’s okay as she hugs him, she tells him she’s sorry and he is just starting at this headless demon body as it melts.

The film ends with police at the house, Karlsson is in police custody accused of being the maniac that killed the kid in the soft play. I didn’t bother with the credits as I was just so glad it was over.

Final Thoughts

What a sack of dog poo, it scored 5.7/10 on IMDB and I can’t believe that’s the score. Whoever wrote those reviews clearly haven’t watched any of Rob Zombie movies before. Maybe that’s just it, maybe I’m too desensitised to horror movies now, I didn’t flinch, jump or let out a wee yell once at this film.

In fact, I started playing Pokémon Go halfway through it, that’s how boring I found it. It’s a total rip off of IT, complete and utter rip off. When Kent goes full demon Cloyne he even has the sharp teeth, slits down both eyes and hair spouting out of weird places just like Pennywise. He’s also a demon just like Pennywise, Stephen King should sue Eli Roth’s ass.

What’s the scores on the doors, Miss Ford?

Anyone under the age of 29 won’t get the title above, for those who do, well done! Loved that show as a kid. Anyways, on to my rating…

2/10 it was total rubbish and that’s 1:39:38 I won’t get back. If you are scared easily, then go for it. I was absolutely terrified of clowns until I forced myself to continuously watch horror films with clowns in them to cure myself. Probably not the best way to go about it, but it worked. Rotten Tomatoes gave a score of 3/5 tomatoes, am I missing something, here?

I really don’t recommend it, I thought given that Eli Roth had some good films like Cabin Fever, the Hostel films and more recently the critically acclaimed Death Wish (poor timing Eli, poor, poor timing, man.) Under his belt, he’d have done this justice, but it’s just a low budget rip off of Stephen King’s IT and I can’t help but compare the two. The acting wasn’t great, either, if I am going to be brutally honest. I don’t like to judge because I am not an actor, but as it’s a review I had to slip that in there. 

I hate bashing Eli Roth and not just because I think he’s kinda hot. It hurts my soul to do so (if it’s possible to have a good soul and watch horror movies). He’s one of my top horror movie directors, but I couldn’t help but be disappointed in this. Between yawning, playing Pokemon Go, leaving for pee breaks and not bothering to pause it and then writing the review halfway through the movie, I was gutted. I literally didn’t move when I watched Cabin Fever and all the Hostel films, and I know my way around horror movies. I loved them, so I really thought this was going to be amazing.

If you have seen this movie, what did you think of it? I wasn’t planning on doing a review, I was supposed to be doing my uni assignment, not watching a stupid “horror” film on Netflix with a clown demon in bad makeup. So now not only have I wasted all that time on the movie but an extra 30 minutes to write this review. Procrastination at it’s very best right there. If there are any other movies you think I should review then let me know.


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Comments (1)

  • Mental Health Series: I Miscarried after Losing My Granda – Just a Belfast Girl

    January 13, 2019 at 11:32 am

    […] I suppose the purpose of this post is to get it off my chest, to help me start to grieve as I haven’t yet and because if I write any more in my journal today my hand will fall off (I’m only kind of kidding, it’s so sore. Who knew you could get a repetitive strain injury from writing, I didn’t). I probably shouldn’t be listening to heavy metal whilst writing this, but it’s the soundtrack I choose for writing reviews, and I just posted my review on Eli Roth’s Clown. If you are interested in reading the review or like in-depth movie reviews, then you can check it out, here. […]

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